Grandparent Autism Network

a vital resource for autism...and each other!

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I Want to See My Grandchild: Understanding Some Conservatorship Issues

Grandparents sometimes have difficult family relationships with the parents of their grandchildren. The following information was submitted by a GAN member who had developed a warm and loving relationship with her grandson from the time he was diagnosed as a child. She had him sleep over and took him on trips and excursions throughout his childhood, enabling his mother to have respite time on most weekends.  When he became an adult, his mother became his conservator and relocated him in housing outside of her home. The following information was submitted by his grandmother in order to offer other grandparents information and options that may be helpful in navigating a similar situation.

I want to see my grandchild ….

It is frustrating and heartbreaking when someone tries to keep you from seeing your grandchild.

Once your grandchildren become 18, a lot changes. While they were minors, their parents had more-or-less absolute control over everything. After 18, typically, the parents secure conservatorship over them. A Limited Conservatorship may be granted by the courts.

A limited conservatorship is not “complete control over everything.” The court evaluates the person who will be conserved, and tries to grant the least-restrictive control possible. States may define these differently. One right that is seldom granted to the conservator is the right to control/limit/restrict social contacts. The first thing you want to know, if you are having issues seeing your grandchildren, is whether the right to determine social contacts has been granted to the conservator. In the unlikely case that the conservator does have the right to restrict social contacts, your only choices are to try and change their minds, or try to build a case in court, with a lawyer.

In California the court requires the conservator to distribute copies of the conservatorship papers to close relatives of the conserved person – this generally includes non-custodial parents, grandparents and siblings. The conservatorship papers outline the areas where the conservator controls the rights of the conserved person. You will want to have copies. If you do not have them, you may be able to get them from the courts (you will likely have to pay for copies).

The conservatorship papers also include the address of the conserved person. What if you haven’t received copies or cannot get copies from the court? What if you don’t know where your grandchild lives? Here is the bad news: You have to find a lawyer to plead a case. And that costs money.

If the court has not granted the right to manage social contacts to the parent, then your grandchild has the right to choose to see you. But it is their right, not yours. If you attempt to make contact, and your grandchild does not want to see or talk to you, then no court in the world will order your grandchild to see you. (If your grandchild wants to see you, but lives with their parents, there may be other issues, such as trespass, involved.)

Your grandchild also has the right to receive unopened mail. So, if you cannot go to visit your grandchild and if you do have an address, I suggest you frequently send them mail – any mail.  Send something that will appeal to them: the comics from the Sunday paper; a book or magazine that you know will engage them; a note or greeting card from you. Include pictures of you and of you with them, if you have those. Include your contact information: your phone number, your email, your Facebook ID.  Do not try to convince them to see you if they have resisted. Just make sure they have the information. Every once in a while, send a note that says something like, “We are planning to go to the zoo, and would love it if you could come with us.”  And then … just wait.

You can also stop by to drop something off and ask if they will see you.

They should have access to a phone – call them or use FaceTime, or ZOOM, etc. They do not have to take your call, of course.

If you do have personal access to them, see them frequently; take them places they like (the park, the library, a baseball game, a movie). Keep records of the contact you make with them, the things you do, etc. This could possibly be useful if you do end up in court to demonstrate your consistent involvement in your grandchild’s life, including the time before they turned 18.

Before you go to court, you may want to do what you can to try and convince the parent/conservator that your involvement in your grandchild’s life is a positive thing, both for them and your grandchild. If the parents are the conservators, you might suggest that you are offering them “respite support” by taking your grandchild. Be flexible and try to allow them to actually get a break.

If there are restrictions (dietary, geographic, etc.) that are imposed, try to respect that and ask why those restrictions are in place. This is a fine line; what if your grandchild asks for a hot dog, and the parents have a strict, “No Hot Dogs” rule? If there is not an underlying medical reason, you may be tempted … but … is this a confrontation you want to have? My personal recommendation is that you never do anything like give the grandchild the hot dog and tell them not to tell their parents!

BE persistent. Be positive. Be non-confrontational. Be present in any way you can!

Do not expect any thanks or acknowledgements from your grandchildren or their parents. Take what comes your way joyfully and always remember you are doing this for them. The give-and-take of a neurotypical “social contract” does not exist in this universe. Our grandchildren are precious beings who deserve all that we can do for them. Just keep doing anything you can to keep some kind of contact going.

Federal News – The Biggest Deal

Free COVID tests are now available for easy online ordering. Every household in the U.S. can order one set of four at-home tests through COVIDtests.gov. This is part of ongoing efforts to scale up access to tests, with site-based testing facilities experiencing high demand.

Tests generally return results within 15 minutes, and do not involve the deep swabbing that some laboratory tests require.

Holiday Newsletter 2021

Message from GAN Founder, Bonnie Gillman

GAN provides free membership, information, referral services and events for the autism community. We rely on your contributions and donations of items for our eBay site to sustain our GAN and Family Autism Network websites. We are currently updating our sites to provide easier access to more resources for the autism community. Please consider making a tax-deductible donation to help us continue to serve grandparents and their families world-wide.

The GAN board of directors, advisory board members and I wish you and your families good health and happiness at the holidays and in the New Year. Thank you for being a vital resource for autism … and each other!

Holiday Tips for Grandparents

As we prepare our homes for the upcoming holidays, the most important thing to keep in mind is to provide a safe and comfortable environment for our grandchildren. Here are some suggestions to make your home entertaining as inviting as possible:

  • Inform family members, in advance, about how they can minimize anxiety or behavioral incidents. Enlist other children to be inclusive in pre-planned activities with your grandchild.
  • Prepare your grandchildren for what they will experience in celebrating the holidays with the family. Introduce family games, special foods or traditions in advance to them so that they know what to expect when they visit.
  • Invite your grandchildren to select and display some of the decorations. Choose those with little sensory stimulation. Blinking lights, moving ornaments and even “noisy” wrapping paper can be especially distracting and disturbing to them.
  • Tell your grandchildren, in advance, that you have provided a “safe, calm space” for them if they feel overwhelmed. Designate a quiet area with favorite activities where your grandchild can go if they become over stimulated. If you observe them becoming anxious, calmly take them to that space. Provide stuffed animals, a favorite blanket, a puzzle, crayons and other comforting items there for them.
  • You can also improvise with a sheet over a table to create a quick “fort” for your grandchild if they seek some isolation.
  • Have headphones or soft music available.
  • Plan to have your grandchild’s favorite comfort foods available. Holiday menus may not please them or work with their diets. You may want to ask their parents to bring any special food they enjoy to your home.

Gift Card Suggestions for Any Budget

Gift cards are great options for your family. Consider giving them for:

  • Restaurants, fast food, grocery stores or meals delivered at home
  • Classes and/or supplies at hobby or craft stores
  • Department, electronics or book stores
  • A needed service, program or activity
  • A subscription to Disney+, Netflix, or other home entertainment for the family (ask in advance if your family wants or can even receive them)
  • A computer, phone, or iPad to enable more communication with you, other family members and friends

CLICK HERE for more gift giving tips on our GAN website.

Here are personal gift certificates that you can print out and use for holidays or any occasion:
HolidayCertif
AnyDayCertif

Understanding Gift Giving

Giving and receiving gifts can be difficult to understand for children with autism. Sharing this gift themed social story with your grandchild can help to ease some anxiety around gift giving.

Toys for Children & Teens
Here’s a guide to gifts for people at all
developmental ages

Sensory Friendly Clothing

If your grandchild needs sensory friendly clothing, Target has many Cat & Jack brand options. If your grandchild has difficulty dressing, use a search engine like Google to find sites that sell “adaptive clothing.”

PRICELESS GIFTS

*Be sure to compliment and encourage your grandchild’s parents often
*Take a grandchild to a regularly scheduled appointment or class
*Entertain siblings to enable more time for child with parents
*Freeze individual homemade meals for use when needed
*Offer your home for a family holiday or a birthday party
*Make a new calendar and enter events you will share
*Invite grandchildren for sleepovers at your home
*Take your grandchild to the library weekly
*Offer to do carpools for a week or more
*Arrange for a play date in your home
*Take your grandchild on a picnic

Apps to Share with Grandchildren

Holiday foods and treats tend to slow us down and make us gain weight. Here are some resources to get you and your grandkids moving and having fun together.

GoNoodle – Kids Videos: Make screen time active with 300+ dance videos, yoga exercises, and mindfulness activities for kids! Trusted by teachers and used in four out of five U.S. public elementary schools, GoNoodle videos create more than 667 million movement minutes each month in homes and schools. No subscription or login required) and available on multiple platforms.

Jump Jump Froggy 2 (iOS) is a game that gets you moving. Get active with an “exergame” that moves your whole body (and not just your thumbs)! Catch flies by making your frog jump with real-life jumps! Leap out of the way of predators! Free to download and play. You can unlock additional content for $2.99.

Looking for New, Collectible or Vintage Gifts?

Now is the perfect time to visit our eBay site for gifts! Most of us have collectibles and other worthwhile items that our children do not want. Donations to the Grandparent Autism Network are tax-deductible. Create more space for all the fabulous things that you love AND benefit grandparents and families affected by autism.

All donated items are sold through our e-Bay for Charity store, raising money to support our programs.

We welcome donated goods such as:

  • New, unwanted gifts
  • Collectibles, Home Accessories, Craft Items
  • New Clothing, Shoes and Handbags
  • Fine, Vintage, and Costume Jewelry
  • Mobile Phones, Tablets and Laptops

You can mail or drop off donations for GAN at the UPS Store located at 23785 El Toro Road, #103, Lake Forest, CA. Contact us at info@ganinfo.org for possible pickup options in Orange County, CA and for donation receipt forms.

Donations are tax-deductible to the extent allowed by law.Tax ID# 20-5230144.

Fall Newsletter 2021

Fall-2021-Newsletter

Preparing Your Home

How to Make the Holidays a More Joyful
for Children and Adults with Autism
by Jeremy and Ilana Hamburgh

As the founders of My Best Social Life, we are friendship and dating coaches for autistic adults. We teach them strategies and social skills to make friends and even encourage them to start dating. Navigating holiday gatherings can be difficult for all family members. As a grandparent, you want to have your loved ones with you, and you want it to be a warm and positive experience for everyone. Understanding your grandchild’s sensory triggers can help you to avoid them. Here are some of the reasons why people with autism may struggle at family gatherings and what you can do to help them:

Problem: The Unknown

Many thrive on repetition and routine and holiday gatherings are the opposite of that! Lots of people, bright or flickering lights, loud sounds and unfamiliar smells may increase levels of stress and anxiety.

Solution: Share the Plan Ahead of Time

Let your grandchild know the plans before the gathering, so they know what to expect and can anticipate them. Start with the basics:

  • Who will be there
  • What sensory inputs: lights, sounds, fragrances, holiday foods
  • When the gathering will be beginning and ending
  • Where it will take place
  • Why some traditions may be upsetting and how to avoid them

Problem: Social Expectations

Your grandchild may feel like they are expected to talk to people. That expectation may be self-imposed or it might be explicitly expressed by a loved one. Either way, they are going into the family gathering knowing that there’s a big gap between what they are comfortable with and what is expected of them – and that creates its own anxiety.

Solution: Express Support for Their Own Expectations

Prior to the event, explain to your guests that your grandchild has special needs that may require some changes to holiday traditions. Modify activities to accommodate to everyone’s comfort level.

It can be reassuring to your grandchild if you empathize with their social discomfort and let them know that you are supportive of them, regardless of how much they interact with other family members. Reducing that performance pressure can put them more at ease, which may make them more willing to be engaged.

Problem: Sensory Overload

Many autistic adults are sensitive to and may be overwhelmed by loud music and chatter. Bright lights and even strong smells can also trigger anxiety. When a person’s brain is overwhelmed, it will be difficult for them to relax.

Solution: Be Sensory Conscious – Provide a Quiet Space

if you know that your grandchild gets overwhelmed in a loud environment, keep the music volume low or avoid playing music. Set aside a quiet place for your grandchild to relax and recharge – and tell them in advance that it’s okay for them to use that space.

If you have questions about how to make your family gathering autism friendly or want to discuss how we can assist your grandchild in navigating social situations, email to Jeremy-at-MyBestSocialLife.com. Everyone deserves to feel a spark of connection – and we are happy to explore how we can help.

Summer Newsletter 2021

Summer-2021-Newsletter
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More Announcements

Gift Giving Tips and Gift Suggestions

Posted: December 2, 2024

Pre-Holiday Suggestions Inform family members, in advance, about how they can minimize anxiety or behavioral incidents. Enlist other children to be inclusive in pre-planned activities with your grandchild. Prepare your […]

Helpful Holiday Suggestions

Posted: November 28, 2024

Think Ahead and Establish New Traditions Plan how you can meet your family’s needs and set realistic expectations. Forgive yourself if the holiday is not “perfect,” and traditional. Modify celebrations […]

Holiday Tips

Posted: November 27, 2024

The holiday season is a joyful time of the year, but it also can be stressful for kids with autism spectrum disorders (ASD) and other neurodevelopmental disorders. Here are a […]

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Grandparent Autism Network
360 E. First Street #202
Tustin, CA 92780-3211
Tel: 714.573.1500
E: info@ganinfo.org

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